Friendship is a condition universal to humankind: everyone experiences it, and yet very few people stop to consider it in detail. Friendships can often bring as much pain as pleasure, and can be complex and confusing. What is friendship? What are the conditions for friendship? How can you tell whether friendship is real and genuine? These are questions that philosophers have grappled with since ancient times. In his discussion of friendship, Aristotle suggests that “pleasure, utility, and virtue are the reasons we have in these various kinds of relationships for loving our friend” (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, 2013, n.p.). In other words, Aristotle speculates that degrees of friendship are based on the different types of love that a person can experience. He divides friendship into three hierarchical categories: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and – the highest type of all – friendships of virtue. This paper will consider whether these three categories of friendship remain applicable in the modern world, as well as whether it is still possible to attain Aristotle’s friendship of virtue.
At the lowest level of Aristotle’s hierarchy of types of friendship is the friendship of utility, about which he says “when the motive of the friendship is done away, the friendship is dissolved, inasmuch as it existed only for the ends in question” (Aristotle, 2017, n.p.). In other words, a friendship of utility is one which exists only to meet the needs of one or both parties. This type of friendship remains clearly applicable to the modern world, as the only criteria necessary for attaining this level of friendship is that one or both of the parties have a need that the other can meet. A good example of this type of friendship in modern society can be found in the prevalence of online dating websites: these friendships are formed solely on the basis of an overall need for companionship, as well as the generalised (non-person-specific) desires of both parties used by matching software.
In my own experience, this is the type of friendship most often formed in school. As a bright student with good grades, but a very shy personality, I often found that my friendships in school developed as a result of my need for social support combined with another student’s need for academic support. While this type of friendship can be satisfying, Aristotle ranks it low in his hierarchy because, as he explains, friendships of utility often dissolve once each party’s needs have been met or change with time. This type of friendship can often feel manipulative or exploitative, and Aristotle does not consider it to be true friendship.
According to Aristotle, friendships of pleasure are slightly more valuable than friendships of utility. In this type of friendship, there is no need to be fulfilled; instead, the friendship is founded about the pleasure that each individual derives from the other. Aristotle explains that “it is not for their character that men love ready-witted people, but because they find them pleasant” (Aristotle, 2017, n.p.). Pleasure, as Aristotle uses it here, seems to refer to personal enjoyment. As with friendships of utility, the only condition upon which attainment of this level of friendship is based is that each party enjoy the company of the other. For this reason, this remains a highly relevant level of concept in modern society. It can be seen, for example, in the way that the parents of young children often number their friends amongst other local parents with children the same age. While these is often an element of utility to this type of friendship – each parent can then rely on the others for emergency babysitting or bus-pick-up services, for example – there is no clear and specific need that is fulfilled by any one specific person.
However, the shared experience of parenthood makes it pleasant for these individuals to spend time together, as they have topics of conversation in common, and similar schedules and limitations. In my own experience, I have often found that this is the type of friendship that I form with my partner’s friends. Although I find them amusing and interesting, and would therefore count them amongst my friends as individuals I am happy to spend time with, there is rarely and deeper bond between us. For Aristotle, this level of friendship was nearly as deficient as the first: he explained that because the interests, enjoyments and pleasures of individuals often change over time, these types of friendships are often too superficial to last long. Aristotle therefore felt the need to define a third and highest form of “perfect” friendship.
Aristotle’s concept of the friendship of virtue can be understood as referring to “a relationship of not only necessity, but also honour” (McCoy, 2014, n.p.); he suggests that a true friend is one “who knows one’s self more deeply than anyone else; and in the best cases, even as ‘another self’” (McCoy, 2014, n.p.). In other words, this type of friendship exists where each party bases his regard not his own needs and pleasure, but on the value and virtues of the other individual. Many hindrances to this type of friendship exist in modern life. For example, the modern reliance on technologies such as social media can make it difficult to get to know other people on a deep and intimate level, while the demands of Capitalist society can make it difficult to separate out the material benefits we gain from others from our estimation of their virtues and character. Nevertheless, this type of friendship remains both applicable and attainable. The conditions for attaining this level of friendship are that individuals take the time to get to know themselves and others intimately, looking beyond the surface and beyond their own needs.
Only in this way can the deep bonds of virtue that Aristotle describes be formed. I have been lucky enough to form friendships of virtue throughout my life with several people. These people have been there for me in hard times, without any expectation of any gain to themselves, and even when doing so has been unpleasant for them; my regard for them has been such that I have been willing to do the same. It therefore seems clear that despite the many hindrances to friendships of virtue in modern society, these types of true friendship remain both applicable and attainable.
